|forthcoming, this torrent
||[Nov. 15th, 2004|09:03 pm]
|||||america/m83/dead cities, red seas, and lost||]|
so, perhaps this ought to become more of a journal...
my sister is getting a divorce. after struggling for the better part of the year, her and her husband decided on this route, and it really seems like the best way to go. but the difficulty in accepting and understanding everything is overwhelming. i believe that my sister loves her husband. more than anything. she has tried so hard for the past few months to provide for both of them, working the whole time, and researching on her off time to help him, even when he refused there were any problems.
so what happens when love fails? what happens when the person you love grew up in an alcoholic family, one that is iowa thoroughbred, refuses to acknowledge any problems? what happens when the person you love gives up on trying to save themselves?
there is a breaking point, this much i can understand now. a breaking point where the one person that two become splits again, pulled apart by the sheer force of the equation to which they were plugged into. the individuality is not lost, but it has succumbed to the gravity of that which seems to be better off not thought about. hiddenness has always been the heart of mysticism, of coercion, the easy way out of digging and putting effort into life--to facing that which is most frightening, that which threatens to break oneself apart while it is being looked at.
the worst mother ever will not admit any problems, she will watch as one son breaks apart a marriage, goes missing for days. she will refuse to help, refuse to face the fact that maybe she has made mistakes, done a poor job parenting. she will sit an watch while another son goes from rehab clinic to rehab clinic, refusing to look and see if there is a reason her sons cannot find love outside the bottle. adult children of alcoholics.
and there are strong people in this world. people who will put everything in jeopardy for the one they love. people who will do whatever it takes to help that person, no matter how horrible the things that are said to them, no matter how much blame is put on them by those who will not look. strong people will try to work through and break through and always find love conquering.
and yet, there sometimes is no happy reconciliation. the happy ending is breaking apart, finding oneself again, before the love became cancerous. the happy ending is tears and emptiness, prayers that the legal complications go through quickly. the happy ending is a dog that will not leave your side because she has been abandoned by one parent. the happy ending is being in your mid-thirties, a divorcee, not even able to comprehend how to move on from here. the happy ending is the new challenge of finding someone to love, someone who can give you children, someone who will be there with you to work on all the problems, and who does not have the tragic fate of a broken family.
this side of love is not what we want to see, the brutality of love that has been sqelched by context, yet it is the reality of all love in this world. there is no human love that can transcend those barriers of finite experience, chance, and coincidence. the love that we see everyday in a flower, feel in a soft, sharp autumn breeze, smell in the perfume of a passing stranger, taste in the cool water that refreshes us in the morning, feel in the touch of a dragonfly that momentarily graces us with its beauty on our shoulder, sense in the peacefulness under a mountain forest's canopy or in the electric bustle of a friday night train, this love goes beyond pain and relative happiness. but it requires us to be vigilant, accepting of the tireless perfection of god/nature/the universe...etc. it asks nothing more than that we trod through life with the concentration of the oxen focusing on every step and the joy of a toddler's first birthday at every second of our lives.
can we be strong enough and love ourselves enough to look where there may be pain and find the beauty? to live is to be hurt, and to hurt others in return. this paradox, this contradiction is the stuff that the logic of life is built upon,and yet millions of people find ways to make it through everyday, riding the waves of joy and pain, frustration and satisfaction, proving that the miracle is now, and in the now to come.
i have athlete's foot. in typical japan fashion, my girlfriend recommended that i get an expensive medicine because the cheap ones looked kinda sketch. i agree that they looked sketch, but i bought the cheapest one anyway, and in under one day, my athlete's foot is almost cured. there was a two thousand yen difference between the bottom and the top priced medicines. oh, and i give much thanks and praise to separate toe socks.
i have a spectacular idea for a novella, but i will not write it here cause you bastards will probably steal it ; b
i am continually failing in my strive to change myself and my bad habits that i have acquired over the past few years. i NEED to do it. here it comes. any encouragement would be well-received, because i am a bit disappointed in my lack of actualization of some basic things that i want from my daily life, a basic structure. perhaps i need to try to strip down and start from a new foundation. but is that possible? is it desirable? focus and freedom should not be as opposing as i fundamentally feel them to be--no matter how much i know that reality is not that case. how may excuses and self-justifications can i make? can i really truly discipline myself, or has the appeal of self-improvement worn off in the ocean size of the real world? i am a sharp pebble that is dulling by the days, if not the hours, and i think that i would benefit from sitting at the bottom of the river for a bit. re-charge. re-evaluate. start with the moment and build from there. this moment,now, not tomorrow.
MAKE IT NEW